Gage's first outfit

Over the weekend I went looking at baby furniture and found the cutest little outfit. I couldn't help myself I had to buy it. The little tail on it cracks me up.

3rd OB check up ... complete

I went today for my 3rd OB check up, so far ... so good! We listen to Gage's heartbeat for a minute on the doppler and my Dr said everything sounded great. After loosing alittle over 15 lbs (thank you morning sickness) I have finally gained a whopping 3 lbs. I tried to discus setting my induction date with my Dr, but it seems my OB and my peri are having a difficult time making a consistent plan. My OB thinks I should switch to heparin and wait to go naturally or be induces 4 days before I'm due. And my Peri thinks that heparin is a horrible idea since there are so many cases of contaminated and poisonous heparin coming from China. His plan was to induce me around 37 weeks and take me off the fragmin 2 days before. They both also disagree on if I should have a regular delivery or a c-section. Thank god I have over 4 months left!

I was really hoping to walk away with a set date so that I can buy my grandmother the airline ticket for mothers day. But from the looks of it now I won't have anything set in stone until atleast the end of June. Oh well!

Zombie Chicken Award

One of my best TTC friends Lynn gave me this Zombie Chicken Award. Lynn was one of my first friends on the ivillage TTC board and always helped me get though the best and worst of times. She will forever remain in my heart! Although I know the TTC road has been very hard on her, I know that she will be a mommy to her own children one day soon. For now she will just have to continue being one of the best step mothers that I know.


"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…"

Now I've awarded this fancy award to:

1. Amber

2. Bonnie

3. Candi

Patrick gave in =)

After a long week of stress & depression over my grandmother, Patrick decided to do something really amazing for me. He came to me last night while I was laying in bed and asked me how Gage was doing. He said after thinking it over he really likes the name.
We also decided that when we go back to the Dr we are going to talk to him about setting the induction date. Since I have to be induced early because of the blood thinners I figure having a set date can only help my grandmother plan her trip to Vegas or our trip to Florida (if need be). I am a very organized person so not having a plan is driving me crazy! After the date is set my plan is to buy my grandmother an airline ticket and when I go out for mothers day I going to surprise her with it.
Now I just have to hope that Gage doesn't decide to come any earlier then the induction date!

Rough couple of days

the 18th marked the due date of our lost bean. It was a sad day but I managed to make it through with my sanity intact. I expected the day to be so much worse but I think with everything else going on right now my mind was elsewhere. Friday I had a Dr's appointment. The baby looked great and as always he was all over the place. Patrick was able to go with me this time to see our little guy. This was the first ultrasound he had seen of our little boy since he started looking like a baby. It was really fun watching his face as he saw our little boy moving around. I started having some contraction like pains on Thursday night so it was a good thing I had that appointment on Friday. After doing an internal ultrasound my Dr informed me I have a cyst on my cervix and that is likely what is causing the contractions. But my cervix is still closed up and looking good. So the new rule is when I feel contractions I have to get in bed and stay there until they are fully gone. Sunday night I got a phone call that my little sister (who is 14) and my older sister (who is 31) were in a all out war with one another. Patrick asked me not to go over there but as always I didn't listen. Long story short there fight was way way way out of hand. At one point my little sister decided she wanted to run away, she ran to my parents closet to get a suit case and I followed her to calm her down. I was trying to snatch the bag out of her hands when she elbowed me in the tummy. I stood there in shock and she ran out the front door and took off. It took me over an hour of driving around to find her hiding in an alley. She felt so bad for elbowing me, and knowing it was an accident I forgave her. I just can't believe a 31 year old would fight with a 14 year old like that. It is absolutely ridiculous! Lucky for me I can now feel my little guy moving around so I could tell he was alright. But now Patrick is mad at her for not being more careful around me. Hopefully he doesn't hold a grudge to long. As if all of this mess was not bad enough, I got the call yesterday that I was dreading. The mass in my grandmothers lungs is in fact a tumor. Now they are going to go back in and do a biopsy of her lymph nodes so see if it has spread. The oncologist already feels that it has so this is pretty much just a confirmation for him. It just pains me, that this is how she is going to die. My grandmothers wishes are to not undergo treatment, she feels like chemo would be to hard on her body and I have to agree that at 85 years old it is. But I am just not ready to say goodbye any time soon. I know it sounds silly but I just never imagined her not being around. The only thing she keeps saying to me is that she wants to be around long enough to see the baby. And I can only hope and pray that she gets her wish. Only issue I have now is, will she be ok to fly all the way from Florida to Las Vegas for when he's born? I can only hope so. I talked to my mom about possibly finding a Dr out in Florida to deliver the baby. Thinking maybe I can just go out there when I'm 35 weeks and staying until he's born. But with seeing a high risk OB and my regular OBGYN I don't know how well that would work out. My only other option is flying out when he is pretty much new born. I know it's not the best idea but I am just out of options here. In the mean time, I plan on doing alot of traveling back and forth to Florida to go spend as much time as possible with my grandmother. First trip is planned for around mothers day weekend. (As long as my OB clears me to travel.)

Something to live for

My grandmother has recently fallen ill. What started off as a case of the shingles on her back and tummy has tuned into much more. When she went to the Dr he decided to do an ex-ray. His findings ... A mass on my grandmothers lungs. For the past few days she has had to undergo more testing and discomfort then any 85 year old should ever have to go through. The stress of all of the tests has made it impossible for her shingles to go away. And that is only adding to her discomfort. Yesterday when I spoke to her on the phone I could tell that everything going on was depressing her. And just hearing her in pain broke my heart. At one point during our conversation she said " If I don't get to see the baby I just want you to know that I love him very much." Just hearing her talk like that kills me. I immediately responded with "Grandma your 85 years old and have always been in perfect health I'm sure you will be around when he's born." My grandmother quickly responded well it's something for me to look forward to and live for. When we hung up the phone all I could do was cry. She is the only grandparent I have left. She's 85 and spunky, hasn't been sick with more the a cold in years, and has never had any health issues. Listening to her sound like she has given up without even knowing if she has cancer or not is one of the worst feeling in the world.

Me and Grandma Bea at my wedding September 15, 2006

Confession (I did a really stupid thing)

Last night I had a dream about and ex of mine. It was really random and ended up making me very emotional. (Gotta love pregnancy hormones) Long story short basically the dream was that we were still together and I was pregnant with his baby. Exactly as far along as I am now. Everything was great and then one day there was a random accident and he died. That's when I woke up crying. The dream felt so real. And all day it has been giving me this feeling of depression. Now mind you we dated back when I was 17 and I am now 28. But he was my first love and well first everything (if you know what I mean). For some reason I decided to look him up on facebook and sure enough there he was. Looking like an older version of what I remember him looking like. Without thinking I requested him as a friend. After I hit the send button I immediately felt guilty. I spoke to a friend of mine who tried to tell me that what I did was not as bad as I feel since we were really good friends even after we stopped seeing one another. But she thinks the reason I am dreaming about him is because of unresolved feelings. I totally disagree with that. I think it's just because my hormones are making me nutty. Plus he was my first and they say you never forget your first. Am I making this a bigger deal of this then it really is? Or did I just do a really really stupid thing?

Can't agree on a name

Patrick and I have not been able to agree on a name. We have come up with a top 4 but there is just one name that I am in love with and one name he loves more then the rest. Here's our list, I would love to hear what you ladies think.

1. Gage William
2. Paxton Brian
3. Heath ...
4. Logan ...

Gage William is my favorite, and here is my reason why. When I was younger my grandfather and I use to love watching scary movies together. One night we rented Pet Cemetery I will never forget that night. My parents, sister, grandmother, grandfather and of course myself sat down to watch, throughout the entire movie all my grandfather did was laugh. He thought the movie was just the funniest thing ever. I can still remember his cackle. He loved the little boy in the movie named Gage. He thought Gage was just to cute to be scary. From that moment on the name Gage stuck in my head. Not to long after that my grandfather passed away. I had always intended on naming my first son David after my grandfather. But being the last of four grand children to have a baby my sister used the name when naming my nephew Reece David. So when trying to find a name for our baby I automatically went to the name Gage because if I couldn't name the baby after my grandfather I at least wanted a name that reminded me of him. As for the name William I felt it was only fair to pick Patrick's Grandfathers name and use it for the babies middle.

Paxton Brian is Patrick's favorite, mainly because Paxton starts with a P and Brian is his middle name. So Patrick and the baby would share the same initials PBR.

We decided against having a Patrick Jr because of an identity theft issue that I will blog more about later on. We just didn't want to risk any of the crap on Patrick's credit report from the ID theft to accidentally end up on the babies credit. That and we wanted to make sure that the person who stole Patrick's identity didn't do the same to our son.

So let me know what you girls think, out of the 4 names what one do you like the most??? I will post a poll on the right side of my page for everyone to vote.

It's a ........

BOY! Yeahhhhh. Patrick is over the moon with excitement, and just watching him gloat over his little boy, it's just an amazing feeling. I decided that I couldn't wait until the 17th of April. I just had to know now. So I scheduled an appointment at an ultrasound place that said they could tell the sex around 15 weeks and figured it was worth the $60. And that it was! I am just so amazed at the pictures of his little hands and feet. (As well as the one of his little pee pee.) I guess now that I can stop calling him an it means it's time to pick a name.