Saturday, December 19, 2009

I think I'm loosing my mind!

For some reason I keep having dreams that someone breaks into my home and kidnaps Gage. I guess it's just my worst fear with all of the crazy people in this world. Then this morning I thought my worst fear had come true. Here's what happened ...

Last week I had a photographer come to the house to take some pictures of Gage. I figured that would be a great Christmas present for the 4 sets of grandparents that Gage has. The girl came to the house and was really nice but came off like she might have been on something. After that night I started having bad dreams about someone breaking into the house and taking him. Then last night she came back to deliver the CD with all of the pictures. Only she brought her husband with her. They walked into the house and I caught a really odd vibe from her husband. First off he is a tattoo artist and I am sure a very nice guy but he had tattoo's on his face and they were alittle freaky. He didn't crack a single smile, although I am sure he was uncomfortable being in a strangers house. He hovered over her very closely as we stood over the computer looking at the prints. She kept asking to see Gage who was comfortably relaxing in his bouncer chair in the living room. So I brought her over to see him. She asked to hold him and I obliged then she walked over to her husband saying isn't he the cutest baby ever, he's my little buddy. I thought it was cute but this guy still didn't crack any sort of smile. He just looked angry/evil. Shortly after that they left. We locked up the house and went back to our normal routine put Gage to bed and then we went to sleep. Patrick and I have been switching off every other morning on getting up with Gage for his feeding. The routine is Gage usually wakes up between 5 a.m. and 7 a.m. eats a bottle and then goes back to bed in his bouncer. He would go back to bed in his crib but his window faces east so the sun shines in his window and since the window is over sized we had to custom order a black out curtain and well it's not here yet. So when we put him down after his feeding he goes into his bouncer and sleeps in the living room so that Patrick's snoring doesn't wake him. As a courtesy to each other on the mornings I get up with Gage I turn the baby monitor off so that Gage's crying doesn't wake Pat up and Patrick does the same on his mornings. So anyway back to the point I wake up from my bad dream at about 10 to 6, completely shaken I look at the clock and look at the monitor. Why don't I hear the baby snoring I run to Gage's room and look down into the crib. He's not there! My reaction ..... scream bloody murder! Patrick jumps out of bed to see whats going on. At this point I'm on the floor crying and screaming he's gone. Amy he's in the bouncer. I'm sobbing so uncontrollably I don't hear what Patrick is saying so he picks Gage up and brings him to me. I sat on the floor for what felt like and eternity clinging to Gage so happy to see him. I guess he woke up around 4 a.m. and Patrick heard him chewing on his hand so he got up to check on him and decided to feed him and put him in his bouncer. In an attempt not to wake me since I have been sleeping so bad from those dreams. It never even occurred to me that he might have already been in his bouncer I am just so use to waking up to his cries when I didn't hear them I immediately thought the worst. Then seeing the monitor on it just didn't register that he might have already been up. After all calmed down I asked Pat why he didn't turn the monitor off and he admitted that the girls husband scared him alittle as well and he wanted to make sure he could hear on the other side of the house.
Something happening to Gage is my worst fear. If anything ever happened to him, I just don't know what I would do with myself. He's my world! Sometimes when I watch the news and see yet another child has been kidnapped, I catch myself saying "Thank god that isn't my child". My heart just sinks for those families who have had someone kidnap there child. Dreaming about it is bad enough, I just truly couldn't imagine living out that nightmare.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Time to sort things out.

I had to step back from my blog for a minute to sort things out. I needed to get some things in my life back in order and prioritize the things that felt like they were falling apart. In particular my marriage. I knew in order to get him out of his funk and get him back on track we had to stabilize out living arrangements and with that we moved to a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment. Now that we are situated in our new home and Gage has his own room we could spend more time as a family and just enjoy being together. And that we have. In addition I have fully revamped the company I work for and have taken control of getting the office organized and back up to where we once were. We have made lots of great contacts and have partnered up with a direct lender meaning we can now pretty much write our own loans. It's a wonderful feeling having that much control again. With that much business going on I have given Patrick a home working with me to help us advertise and generate new business. The plus side of that, although we both work from home we are both around to take care of Gage. And in addition Patrick can continue to focus on school, and since he is doing something he enjoys he has not been drinking. Things are finally coming together. Slowly, but I can't complain.

I have to admit this has been one of the best and worst years of my life. In one year I have given birth to my son, lost my grandmother to cancer, made some wonderful friends, lost Elaine my best friends step mother (she was like a mother to me) to cancer, watched my little boy grow for 3 wonderful months, almost lost my little boy to meningitis, reconnected with my husband, almost left my husband due to alcohol abuse, finally got to see my cousin that moved to Australia 8 years ago although I wish it had been for better reasons other then a funeral. So much more has happened but these are the events that stick out the most in my mind. 2009 will definitely be a year that goes down in history for me. And although there have been good times and bad, I look forward to what 2010 has to offer.

I am eternally grateful to you girls for supporting me and helping me get through this year. You have all become like a second family to me. Thank you for letting my into your lives.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

How much bull s&%t can one person take

I love my husband don't get me wrong. But how much pain can one person cause you before you have to say you have had enough. Tonight I realized that I am at that point. And although I hate to say it, I'm tempted to walk away. I don't think I have ever talked about Patrick's drinking before but let me start by saying it's pretty bad. To the point I would call him an alcoholic. In our 6 plus years of being together it has gotten worse each year. To some it's funny to watch him get drunk and act a fool. To others the way he act's is beyond annoying and they can't stand to be around him. I am one of those people that finds it annoying.

Patrick knows no limit. He is not capable of socially sitting down with friend and having a drink or two. He acts like a frat boy every time alcohol is around. I am constantly making excuses for him, but I feel that now with Gage around I need to stop doing that. I want to set an example for my son and the only example I am setting now is that it's ok to drink like a fish and act like a loser. I have tried to talk to Patrick's mom and show her just how bad it can be and she makes the excuse of telling me it's in there blood. I just don't know how much more I can take. Tonight I actually asked him to call his mom and have her come get him. I told him I was done and couldn't take it any more. And it's not a lie, I really am done. I just feel like I have been pushed to far. I am tired of making excuses for him. I know he thinks it's a joke and I will get over it in the morning but it's not. I am just at the end of my rope. He refuses help and feels he doesn't have a problem but I know he does. And I know it's not all in my head. I just never imagined I would get to this point.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Gage was in the hospital, my grandma passed away and other updates

I have been so bad at blogging but that is mainly because I was out of town for a while with no computer. So where do I begin ...
October has been a horrible month for me. I went to Florida in the beginning of the month because my grandma was released from rehab into home hospice care, and wanted to see Gage before she passed. So we caught the first flight out to see her. Before I go any further let me explain what happened to my grandmother because as some of you may back in May we were told that she had lung cancer but the mass had not spread. She was told by a Dr that she had a long life left and many years left to live. Well about a month after the lymph node biopsy my grandmother started having problems talking, and her energy level dropped. Her feet swelled up and she was having a hard time breathing and functioning. She went back to her Dr who told her to wait it out for 6 months and if she was still having troubled come back. Then in August she got to the point where she couldn't even get out of bed she was in so much pain. My mother and Aunt flew out to Florida to see what was going on and upon there arrival had to rush my grandmother to the hospital. This time the Dr's blamed her heart and decided it was in her best interest to have a pace maker put in. After the surgery they put her into a rehab so that she could learn how to function with the pace maker and walk with a walker. The pace maker did nothing to help my grandmother function and her breathing continued to get worse. My mother keep asking if she had pneumonia and the Dr's insisted it wasn't. Questioning the Dr's at the rehab my mother brought in a new Dr to give a second opinion, and discovered my grandmother did in fact have pneumonia. From the new Dr we learned that the lymph node biopsy must have been botched and in the process they must have harmed her epiglottis so when my grandmother would eat or drink instead of the epiglottis closing so food wouldn't get into her lungs it remained open so everything she ate and drank filled up her lungs causing pneumonia. In addition to that opening my grandmother up for the pace maker surgery cause the cancer to spread to most of her vital organs. At that point my grandmother decided she was ready to die and in the beginning of October she was released from rehab and sent home with home hospice care to pass away. At her request all of the grandchildren were flown out Gage and my nephew Reece included so that my grandmother could see us and have us all by her side to say her final goodbyes. On October 8th my grandmother peacefully passed away with Me, Gage, my Aunt Lynn, my Cousin Randy and my mother by her side. On October 10th (Patrick's birthday) Gage had a temperature of 102.7 and I immediately took him to the Dada county hospital. After an hour waiting in the waiting room we were taken back and told an ambulance would be taking us to West Palm Beach hospital pediatrics unit. One quick ambulance ride later we were rushed back into the ER where Gage was given a spinal to check for Meningitis and an IV with antibiotics and fluids. It took 5 days for his fever to break and at one point I was told by the Dr to prepare for the worst. Patrick was stuck out in Vegas taking care of my little sister while my step father and my mom were attending my grandmothers funeral. So for 5 nights and 6 days I stayed alone in the hospital taking care of Gage. Missing my grandmothers funeral and with no help from family. It was the worst week of my life. The day Gage was released from the hospital I decided to fly home. Dr advised me it was the safest time to fly with him since he had antibiotics in his system, so we took a direct flight home and have been back and recovering since. 2 Days after we got back we got a call from the ER Dr that Gage's spinal showed he had viral meningitis. It was a relief to finally know what was wrong with him. But it broke my heart that my little boy was so sick, Even now that we have been back for alittle over a week Gage still has a horrible cough that keeps me up at night making sure he doesn't choke. I'm just so grateful to be home and have me little boy with me. It has truly been a rough month but now that I am back and things are starting to get back to normal I will make sure to post more often. Also since we have been back Gage had his first set of professional pictures taken I will post those and some pictures of him in the hospital so everyone can see how big he has gotten. I hope everyone is well and I will be catching up on my blog reading this week between Gage's naps.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Time flies when your getting no sleep =)

Not that I'm complaining though. These past 3 weeks have been amazing and super busy. I never realized getting use to having a baby around took so long. But I love him to death and wouldn't change a thing! We had our first Dr appointment, everything looks great. Gage had his circumcision. That was an experience I never want to go through again!!! Just seeing him in pain broke my heart. He now weighs 7lbs 7oz so he is growing like a weed. His personality is starting to show alittle and he is quite the ham. Patrick and I have nicknames him our little shark because when he is feeding and going to latch on to the bottle be turns his head back and forth like he is attacking something. It's pretty cute if I do say so myself. =) Other then just adjusting to every day stuff things have been great!

Monday, September 7, 2009

Introducing Gage William Rieger

Born September 1st @ 1:33 p.m. weighing 6lbs 15oz and 19 inches long. So let me explain why he came a day earlier ...

On Tuesday morning I had my appointment with the peri for my amnio. I woke up from what I thought was nerves and realized I was having contractions. They were super far apart so I waited it out until my 9 a.m. Dr appointment. When we arrived I informed the nurse about my contractions and she decided to put me on the monitor and see what was going on. Sure enough I was contracting about 10 minutes apart and they were long and painful. (Some lasting up to 4 minutes.) As the nurse came in to check on me she noticed that during my long contractions Gage's heartbeat dropped from the high 140's to the 60's. With that being said she pulled the printout and went to go show the Dr. Less then 5 minutes later the Dr came in to tell me that the Amnio was not going to take place, instead they were sending me on my way to L&D, where my OB would be waiting for me. With that I was congratulated and pushed out the door. We made a quick stop home for my bags and off we went to the hospital. Once we arrived I was prepped and pushed into the OR. I didn't even have a minute to blink it was all happening so fast. My Dr came in and talked me through the spinal block and less then 20 minutes later I heard the most beautiful noise I had ever heard, Gage crying. I was told to look up only to see my OB holding Gage over the curtain. He was beautiful! They whisked Patrick away to cut the cord and I insisted he go with Gage to the nursery to be cleaned up. The c-section itself went amazingly well. I have to assume since there was no time to be nervous before, it helped ease any stress. Patrick rejoined me in recovery where he showed me pictures of our little boy getting his first bath. I wish I wasn't so drugged up I would have loved to take a picture of Patrick's face. He was glowing and had this big smile from ear to ear. Less then an hour after getting out of recovery I was pushed into my room where I was greeted by a ton of family amazed to see me awake and functioning so well. I had it in my head that if I looked like I was in pain or I was asleep that they wouldn't bring me my baby. So I smiled and pretended that what I had just gone through was no biggy. Thank god for the 24 hour morphine drip or else I would have been in big trouble. When they brought Gage in the room it was alittle odd. I knew he was mine but it was just this odd feeling of is that him is he really my baby??? 6 days later and I still look at him questioning if it's all a dream. He is just so beautiful and amazing. Patrick took control the first night, feeding him and changing his diapers. He really stepped up to the plate. Not that I expected any less of him but just watching him in daddy mode was wonderful. Even now that were home when I wake up with the baby he gets up with me just to make sure that I'm ok. As for the healing from the c-section... Piece of cake! I did not expect to feel as good as I do. I have been take pain pills when necessary. But for the most part I can make it all day without needing anything. What else can I say, I am just so in love with this little boy it just makes everything I went through TTC wise worth it.
Here are some pictures of me little love bug... enjoy!

Monday, August 31, 2009

Holy Cow, Wednesday is almost here!

I took my last injection of Fragmin last night and tomorrow I go for my Amnio. I am so super duper excited. Wednesday can't come fast enough. I am going to try to post pictures on Gage's baby site from the hospital so feel free to stop in and check. if for any reason I can't I will do it on facebook. So for those of you not already friends with me on facebook, feel free to send me a request before 11 a.m. pacific time on Wednesday.