I've had about enough

So it's 11:43 P.M. on Sunday night and I won't go to bed. Not because I couldn't fall asleep if I laid my head down but because I just don't want to be next to my husband right now. I have never loved someone and hated them all in the same breath. I feel like whenever I am ovulating he either gets drunk or is just plain old mean to me and causes a fight just to get out of having sex. I would have never thought in a million years that I would have to beg my husband to have sex with me. It is such a kick to my ego!
Technically we are still newlyweds but we don't act that way. I am still very attracted to my husband and he says he is still attracted to me yet here I am on a Sunday night crying because he won't have sex with me, and can't give me a single reason as to why he won't. He has no idea what this does to me, and how bad this hurts me. I feel like over the past few years we have been the best of friends, but since we got married I feel like that is all we are anymore. I try to initiate all of the time, but 95% of the time I get turned down. And he never except once in a blue moon initiates with me.
Once a month around ovulation time, when I really have to fight to do it. It always turns into me saying that he doesn't want a baby with me and he always denies it. Saying he does in fact want a baby. But he does not seem to get that you have to have sex to have a baby. I mean what is he waiting for, the stork is not just going to fly by and drop one off for us. I am getting sick and tired of being turned down. I am sick of failed months. And to be honest I am sick of my husband right now!
I hate feeling this way. It's just not fair!

The results are in ...Dun dun dun ...

So here we go ....



Cystic Fibrosis: Negative
Chlamydia: Negative
Cholesterol: Normal
Triglycerides: Normal
HDL: Low/Normal
Cholest / HDL Ratio: Normal
LDL (Calculated): Normal/High
TSH : 10.3 High *** ( I already know I had hypothyroidism and have not beenon meds for 2 months so this was no surprise)
HBs Ag: Negative
ANTI-HBs, Igm: Negative
Anti-HAV IgM: Negative
Anti-HCV: NEgative
Hepatitis B Surface AG: Negative
Pregnancy Qualitative: Negative (No shock there)
Prolactin: 6.4 Normal
FSH: 8.0 Normal (but alittle higher then the RE expected)
Vitamin B12: 469 Normal
Folate: 7.2 Normal
WBC: 7.7 Normal
RBC: 4.89 Normal
Hemoglobin: 14.4 Normal
Hemotocrit: 42.2 Normal
MCV: 86.3 Normal
MCH: 29.5 Normal
MCHC: 34.1 Normal
Red Cell Distribution: 14.3 Normal
Platelet Count: 359 Normal
Mean Platelet Volume: 7.3 Low/Normal
Segmented Neutrophils: 69.9 Normal/High
Lymphocytes: 22.9 Low
Monocytes: 5.3 Normal
Eosinophils: 1.5 Normal
Basophils: 0.4 Normal
Rubella Immune Status: 69.3 Positive (Immune)
RPR Diagnostic: Nonreact
HIV 1/2, EIA SCRN W/RFLS: Nonreact
Insulin, Fasting: 13.7 Normal
Free T4: 0.9 Low/Normal
Blood Group: B Positive
Antibody Screen: Negative
Estradiol, LC/MS/MS: <2

When to let go of a grudge

When I was back in high school I had a great group of girlfriends, we did everything together! But there was one girl in the group who did not like me and my best friend Rachel. Her name was Brandee, and she hated us for no good reason. I guess the best way to tell the story is to go back to the beginning,

In the summer of 94 before my freshman year in High School Rachel and I were helping her mother's office move locations. Helen (Rachel's mother) brought us with her to work to help pack and Kathy (Helen's boss) brought her son Josh H, and his friend Josh M. Rachel and I quickly became friends with the boy's as Rachel had a crush on Josh M. Soon we were introduced to the rest of the boys friends who we later nicknamed the Josh's since there was Josh H, Josh M, Josh B & Josh E and then the rest of the group Aaron, Russ, Billy, Frankie, Jimmy & Steve. We did everything together from hiking in the caves to going to wet and wild. When Rachel and I started freshman year we introduced our friend's Leslie, Marla, Brittney & Destiny to the Joshes and within the first few years of high school everyone started to couple off. Rachel was seeing Josh M, I was seeing Steve, Marla was seeing Josh H, Leslie was seeing Josh E, And Marla's friend Brandee started seeing Josh B. As all young couples do everyone started to break up but being we were all friends everyone still hung around together. In my Jr year Rachel and I decided to ditch school and go hang out with Josh B, Billy, & Russ. We knew Josh and Brandee had recently broken up but Rachel and I were friends with the guys first and thought it was no big deal since these boys were like brothers to us. We picked up the guys and went to skyline for breakfast, and when we went to drop the boys off we noticed Brandee and her friend Tonya (Billy's ex) sitting in front of the house waiting for them. She was mad and assumed that there was something going on between one of us and her ex Josh B. Trying to avoid a confrontation Rachel and I drove off to go visit some other friends. Before we knew it we were on Boulder Highway being chased by Brandee. We tried to avoid her since she was in a fit of rage, but she chased us and tried to run us off the road into a ditch. Being the great driver that I am somehow we lost them.
Skip to 1 year later, I was working at a club as a cashier. Marla calls me to see if I can hook her up and get her and some friends in for free. I thought no biggy as I did this for my friends all of the time. When they showed up I notice one of the girls with her was Brandee. My gut reaction was to get mad, as Brandee had never apologized for that night she tried to kill Rachel & me. I let them in but charge just to be a bitch and 20 minutes later after annoyance sets in I got them kicked out, just to prove a point. (To this day I still have no clue what point I was trying to prove). Marla and I remained friends but never as close as we were, and after high school never spoke again. So skip to now 10 years later myspace has a strange way of bringing people together. Marla finds me on myspace as well as Russ, Aaron and a few of the Josh's. Then one day I log in and see a friends request from Brandee and like a pissed off teenager I refuse her as a friend. It's like all of the anger I had returned, it never went away it just sat dormant. I think nothing of this and never speak of it. Every now and then I poke onto her page to see what it says (What can I say I'm Jewish=) ) Until on day a headline grabs my attention it read "today's my last day of chemo" and listed her mood as excited. I will never forget that day, as it was the first day I felt bad for holding a grudge against her. The next week her headline changes to "Excited about planning my wedding" I though good for her she made it through chemo and what a blessing to have a wonderful man by her side. Then this past Friday the headline changed again, this time to "Brandee is having surgery today :(" with her mood showing as scared. I wanted to write her and say something but my pride got in the way. Then today I logged on to myspace, to see some of our old high school friends had changed there headlines. I kept reading over and over what everyone's status and moods had changed to, they all said "RIP Brandee" and most showing either sad, crushed, numb or indescribable as there current mood. I thought there is no way she had died. I took from 8 am this morning when I read that first update till now for it to set in. She is really gone! I cried because I felt so bad for not forgiving her for that one moment, I cried for her fiance, I cried for what would have been her future step son, I cried for her parents but mostly I cried for being so stupid as to hold a grudge for over 10 years for something that now seems ridiculous.

When do we forgive and forget? How long is to long to hold a grudge on someone? Life is so short and at any moment it could change. If nothing else I have learned that sometimes you just have to grow up and forgive. You have to put your differences behind you and move on to what is more important. Life!


Brandee, I want to apologize for acting so foolish and holding a grudge for the last 10 plus years. I am sorry for not forgiving you when I had the chance to make a difference. RIP friend you will be missed.

Sonohysterogram ... enough said!

So I had my sonohysterogram today and all I can say is ouch! The Dr lied to me and said it would not be as bad as my HSG, but is was! So now from here we wait. I have my follow up appointment to go over allllllllll of my tests on Wednesday and from there we wait till my next AF and start my IUI cycle. Yeahhhhhhhh! I am so very excited.

My Dr's appointment

So today I had my ultrasound to check for abnormalities, and the results were not to great. The Dr thinks I have PCOS but wants to wait till the blood work results come back to confirm. She said that if I do it is not a severe case, but does it really matter when it comes to PCOS. I have to say I was shocked and upset. It bugged me a little that the Dr did not seem to phased by it. She said she saw 1 cyst on my left ovary and 5 on the right. Now call me stupid but that seems like a lot to me. Only confusion I have is about 2 -3 months back I had a really bad AF. My cramps were so bad I couldn't function. I went to the ER and they did a vag ultrasound and determined it was a cyst that ruptured. But the ultrasound technician said she did not see any more cysts. So how between then and now did I develop 6 cysts so fast? Mind you I know nothing about PCOS. I am going to wait for the blood work to come back and confirm my prognosis before I go crazy doing research. Ughhhhh the stress never ends!

Locks of Love

After a year and a half of growing my hair out I donated 14 inches of hair to Locks of Love today. I have to say I have never felt so good about anything as I do about donating to kids in need. I was a little in shock over how short my hair is now, since I started the day off with hair all the way down to my lower back and now it is up to my chin. But it is for a good cause and it is only hair, right! I have to say this is one of the best feelings I have had in a while. I do intend on donating again as soon as my hair grows out to the 10+ inches required to donate. There is no reason not to help a child in need.
http://www.locksoflove.org/

Human Pincushion

Today I went to have my blood work done. Not that I was expecting it to be fun but come on was is totally necessary to have 23 vials of blood drawn? Now I have 23 new things to worry about! I knew they were going to have to draw at least 3 maybe 4 vials but never in my wildest did I think they were going to torture me with 23. I still have no clue what all of those tests are for. The nurse laughed at me when I turned this pretty shade of gray. She said she has never seen anyone look like they were going to throw up from a blood draw. But I had to make a valid point and ask if she had ever seen anyone else have 23 vials filled in one shoot. To which she replied no. So ha ha bitchy nurse I'm not that big of a baby I just would prefer if all of my blood could remain in my body. So after being treated like a pincushion for 15 minutes she rushed me out the door light headed and all. Not even a second to recoup.

When people just don't get it ...

I have been pretty open and honest with my friends and family about the fact the Patrick and I have been trying to have a baby for a good 2 years now. I have tried to keep everyone informed as countless months have passed with no BFP as to avoid the dreaded question ... When are you going to start a family? I figure the best way to avoid that question was to be open and honest about our fertility as I have no shame about it.

Within the time that I have been trying to conceive my sister has gotten pregnant and had a baby, my cousin has gotten pregnant and had a baby, my sister in law has gotten pregnant and had a baby, my step sister (whom I no longer talk to) has gotten pregnant and had a baby, as well as a few friends of mine who are either pregnant now or have recently had there babies. I would like to say that I have become immune to the pain of watching everyone around have babies or just be pregnant, but I haven't. Recently a friend of mine who has three beautiful kids had informed me via e-mail that she was in fact pregnant. My heart sank and I spent 3 days crying and in a depression. I never thought it would hit me so hard but it just took the life out of me. Unfortunately she lost the baby shortly after, and I felt horrible. I knew the feeling of having a miscarriage and I would never want anyone to go through that pain. She called and asked questions about TTC and for that short period of time it felt nice sharing all that I had learned with her. All of a month after her loss she got pregnant again. My immediate reaction was to stop talking to her and distance myself. It was all I could do to keep my composure and try to maintain a stress free environment for myself. Skip to now 3+ months later my sadness has turned to anger and rage. I never want to take away from ones experience but I would expect someone that calls them self your friend to tread lightly on a soar subject. Not this friend. With her constant myspace updates it gets harder and harder to calm the anger that I have flowing through my veins. I try my hardest to avoid the updates but it just seems like every time I see ____ has updater her profile I am drawn to check it. It's like I am gluten for punishment.

The worst part of all this is I still can't pinpoint what made me so bitter towards her. It's like something just snapped in my head one day and I said I've had enough! It's horrible because I have maintained my composure through out these past 2 years of numerous highs and lows and suddenly I have had enough! It's just strange that something could set you off so fast.

The downside of becoming so bitter is that you withdraw from normal life. I am very hesitant to pick up the phone for most of my girlfriends in fear of a pregnancy announcement. I make my husband pre read e-mails from friends and family that I think might be sending me pregnancy announcements. It is all and all very sad what I have become. I'm a pregnancy hater! But only towards people that have had it easy.

My friends on ivillage that have been trying for awhile could tell me they were pregnant with multiples and I would feel nothing but joy for them. Because I know how hard it is to get that much desired BFP. The downside to having mostly online friends is that they are online. Although I love and appreciate each and every one of them, it makes for pretty boring weekends.

Update: The "friend" that I wrote this blog about decided to delete me from her myspace for reasons unknown. Although I feel bad I must admit not seeing those constant updates makes me feel 1 million times better. I hate to loose a friend but from what I see and feel now she was never really a friend. With that being said good by _____ and good luck! Although I wish you no harm I am happy to see you go.

Getting you up to speed

Well let me start with my fertility friends chart http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1664aa I update this daily with whatever madness/fertility signs I have currently going on. It is the best way to keep track of me any my cycle.

Last Thursday Patrick had his SA and the results were as follows:
Over 100 million swimmers, 80% motility with great progression. Other then blood work his part of this madness is pretty much over.

As for me with the arrival of AF on Sunday my madness has just begun. Whoever said TTC was fun or easy is a big fat liar! I start my testing with tons of blood work on Tuesday (Day 3 of my cycle) Wednesday (cycle day 4) I am scheduled for a physical exam & gyn ultrasound. I am not thrilled about this, as I will still be on AF and having someone down there checking on my privates sounds NASTY! And then the final part comes on Saturday (cycle day 7) I have a sonohysterogram (where they insert fluid through a catheter and do an ultrasound to check for lesions in the uterine cavity). Thankfully I have already had a Hysterosalpingogram so I do not have to go through that mess again. Yippy!

From there I meet with the RE to discuss the next course of action. We have already decided to go ahead with and IUI and injectables. Luckily for us our new insurance covers 6 IUI's yeah for our new insurance.

With my game plan in place I am looking forward to cycle #25 I wish it could get here a little sooner. And trust me if I can think of any way to speed it up I will =)

ivillage

Rather then curl up in a ball and cry every time AF shows up. I have a great group of women that I turn to when times get rough.
My girls at ivillage have been the best support system. They have maintained my sanity and talked me off the ledge many of times. Without them who knows where I would be. I have laughed with them cried with them, obsessed with them. It's like having a second family .... but better. They have never judged me or criticized me. But they have held my hand through many of up's and down. For that I am forever grateful!

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-pptrying

My Intro ...

I figure the best way to start this is to tell a little something about myself. So here go....

My name is Amy and I am married to a wonderful man named Patrick. We have been together since May of 2003 and were married in September of 2006. We currently live is Las Vegas where I work in Real Estate and Patrick works in collections but dabbles in real estate on the side. We have been actively trying to start a family since July of 2006, Yes we started trying before our wedding risky move but we figured what the heck. In September of 2006 we decided to start getting more active in our attempts to have a baby, I started temping daily and checking CM as well as using OPK's. I though for sure in no time we would get a BFP, little did I know 2 years later I would still be sitting here empty handed.
After 2 years, countless OPK's, CBEFM, OV watch, clomid, RE we have decided to try a new approach. We dumped out current RE and moved to a smaller RE office one that would pay more close personal attention to our needs. After 2 years of headache I am finally breathing a sigh of relief that we finally have a great team of doctors to help make this nightmare of a journey more relaxing.
With that being said I decided to document the remainder of our TTC journey in hopes that it might help someone else that is going through this. I know that I have a great support system of friends and family, but I know that there are other women out there like myself that feel like they are going through this alone. I want them to know that infertility is common. And that there are others going through this with you.