Diarrhea of the mouth, the annoying apology and fertile myrtle

My day started off fine. Patrick woke me up on the only day I get to sleep in (Sunday) bright and early at 9 a.m. I was not the happiest of campers but I'll get over it. He quickly rushed me in the shower so that we could go to a local bar to watch the 49ers game, since it wasn't playing on local cable. I did as asked and got ready and we headed off to the bar. The day started off alright and I had high hopes that it was going to be a good day. We ended up hanging out at this bar from 10 a.m. until almost 4 p.m. while we were there we ate lunch and played video games. Not my ideal for a Sunday afternoon but Patrick loves football and I know that every once in a while I have to do something he enjoys. After lunch I turned to Patrick and told him I wanted something sweet. Patrick looked at me and said babe your not pregnant any more whats with the cravings. I instantly burst into tears. I could not believe the diarrhea that just came flowing out of my husbands mouth. Right away he started apologizing realizing what he had said to me. And I could see in his face he felt horrible. But it didn't change the fact that the stupid little comment he made to me was like a bullet to the heart. After all of the nice things he has done and said to me over the past week and a half it just blew me away that something so hurtful came out of his mouth. He hugged me and again kept telling me how sorry he was. And that he did not mean to hurt me. I asked how he could say something so hurtful and he insisted that he just want not thinking. I accepted his apology and after that we went home to get ready to go to my sisters for a BBQ.

Going to my sisters would normally be no big deal, but being I knew I was going to be around my 6 month old nephew and a friends 2 month old baby was weighing heavy on my heart. Even more so after the drama with Patrick. Thinking I could make it thought the night we decided to go and make the best of the remainder of the day. We arrived and Patrick immediately swooped up my nephew. Watching him hold Reece all I could think is, am I ever going to see him hold our baby. He looks so natural holding him and playing with him and I want to give him a baby so badly. I just had to walk away looking at him with Reece just pains me. I go into the kitchen to help my sister, since she is on the phone and I want to find ways to keep myself busy and stop myself from thinking. It's my cousin Laurie on the phone and she was insisting on talking to me. I take the phone knowing what she is about to say and I hesitantly say hello. Ohhhhh Amy I am soooo sorry you lost the baby. (I feel my heart in my throat.) and reply thank you, hoping that she is done. But she is not and she quickly replies what went wrong? So I tell her sometimes things just don't work out and I guess this was one of those situations. (Not wanting to go into detail). I find an excuse to get off the phone and we say our goodbye's. As I hang up the phone I can feel the tears building up in my eyes. I exit the kitchen and make a B line towards my sisters bedroom. Where I hide out for a good 15 minutes.

I later get a call from one of my clients in Atlanta wanting to know when her loan doc's are going to be in. The conversation starts out fine ... how are you .... where are we at with the loan and then it takes a quick turn for the worst. Can you fly to me for the signing because I just found out I'm pregnant with #4 and can't travel. I say congratulations and try to move on from the conversation but she keeps talking about how she told her husband she hopes it is a boy because she is done being fertile myrtle. And how her husband thinks it is funny that all of the women in her family are so fertile they all got pregnant at the drop of a hat. And how most of her siblings have at least 6 kids. I again try to change the subject and get off the phone but this woman will not get the hint. By this point I am shaking with anger. I finally tell my client I have to go and hang up on her. This conversation would have been hurtful regardless but it is even more hurtful since my client knows I just had a miscarriage. How can people be so insensitive. I am almost to the point of locking myself in my house and only corresponding with people via e-mail. It seems like that is the only way I am ever going to avoid painful conversations.

I feel like I am starting to loose it. People are so hurtful with there comments whether they be intentional or unintentional. And all of the questions hurt! I know people are just asking and giving there condolences because they care but it just hurts. I wish people would stop asking me if I were ok, because I'm not! And I don't know if I will ever be. Asking me and bringing it up all the time just hurts. I know I will never forget but it just makes it ten times harder to move on when everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok and telling me how sorry they are. Don't tell me you know how I feel unless you have ever gone through this! Don't tell me it will be ok because it won't! And don't tell me I will get pregnant again because it might not! And I have to deal with that. I am sick of everyone sugar coating it, it only makes it harder. Tell me the truth. If you have gone through this kind of loss tell me the truth don't tell me it will be ok when you know it won't. It doesn't feel like life goes on. It feel like I am stuck in a nightmare and can't wake up.

Pity Party

The day before yesterday I got loan doc's on one of the loans I had been working on, only problem was that my client was not able to sign until last night and the doc's needed to be back at title first thing this morning. Now that would not have been a big deal except the title company I had used for this transaction was in Los Angeles CA. So I did what I had to do to get my deal done. I woke up bright and early at 4 in the morning got showered and dressed and headed off to the airport. When I arrived, there were a ton of people with there babies waiting in the United line. My first reaction was to look at Patrick who was dropping me off and say Oh Sh%#. Patrick shook his head at me and tried to give me a pep talk. You can do it babe! He said as he got out of the car to give me a kiss goodbye. I just looked at him with a blank expression as my eyes started to tear up. Today is going to be a long day I said back to him as I walked in to the chaotic mess of tourist and family's with there babies everywhere. I approached my gate and since I had 20 minutes to spare before boarding I decided to go buy some magazines. Sure enough as I walk into the book store I notice the cashier is pregnant and from the looks of it due and minute. I walk over and grab the first two magazines I see. Pay for them and go back to the gate to wait till I can board the flight. Finally they start boarding the flight I and take my seat. Thankfully it is a dead flight and I have the entire row to myself. We take off and as soon as I can take my seat belt off I do so and kick up my legs to relax. I catch a quick nap and in no time we are landing at LAX. I rush off my flight to meet a friend who is going to run my loan doc's over to the title office for me so I can catch the next flight home. I come up the escalator from baggage claim and sure enough there is a ridiculous line to get through security. No problem, I have magazines! So I crack open my In Touch Weekly and start turning the pages. The first article I come to ... Kids Rule! All about celebrities and there babies. I quickly turn the page. Thinking that there is only so much that one magazine could talk about pregnancies I continue to flip the pages. Meet the cuties kids in LA one page reads. I have had enough! I toss the magazine in the trash and decide not to even look at the other magazine. I get through security and realize I have 3 hours until my flight out so I walk to a food place to have breakfast. As I am walking I hear the beeping of one of those airport carts alarming you to get out of the way or get run over. As the cart passes me I see three women, I think nothing of it and continue my walk. The cart stops at the gate in front of me and the three women get off. That's when I see that all three ladies are wearing infant carriers and carrying little babies. My heart begins to thump and my eye's begin to well up. I am never going to have that. I quickly duck into the bathroom to regain my composure. I allow myself some time to cry and be sad and I try to regain enough strength to get my butt out of the bathroom but it does not work. All I can do is cry. At this point I have to call Patrick because I am scared to leave the bathroom and just need to vent. (I know that my response to seeing all of these babies is not healthy and that locking myself in a bathroom stall at LAX is not going to make me feel any better. I think I am just having a hard time confronting that my baby is gone and I will never get to hold it or see it. And seeing all of these babies only reminds me of that.) I get Patrick on the phone and tell him what is going on. At this point one can only assume other people in the bathroom were thinking I am crazy but oh well. Patrick stays on the phone with me and attempts to get my mind off of all of these babies that I see. He convinces me to leave the stall and the bathroom and make a b-line right to the first bar that I see. Since he knew there would never be a baby in a bar. I do so the entire time looking at the ground only looking up to find the nearest bar. At this point it is 9 a.m. my eyes are puffy from crying and I am sitting in a bar to avoid kids. What has my life come to I ask. Patrick replies it's gotta get worse before it gets better and you have to stop letting everything get you down. I weep because I know he is right but I am just so damb sad. He tells me he loves me and that I need to just get home and focus on everything that is going right for us. I hang up the phone and walk to my gate. I later boarded the flight and come home to be greeted at the airport by the most wonderful man I have ever know. He always knows what to say and how to say it, to cheer me up.

I never thought I was going to be this depressed. I am to the point where I feel guilty when I smile. I try not to think about the baby and when more then an hour has gone by that I haven't I feel like a bad person. When will it stop hurting? And when will everything go back to normal? I just don't know how much more of this I can take!

When life hands you lemons ...

I'm finally starting to feel like myself. Although I am still very sad over the loss of my little bean, I know that life must go on. Allowing myself to remain in this funk will only make matters worse. I have decided to pick myself up brush myself off and regain my strength and sanity for what I hope will be my next successful IUI. I have scheduled a follow up appointment with my RE for next Thursday so we can talk plans and options and make sure that there are no remnants from the D&C. At that time I hope to get the all clear and a prescription for my next round of follistim. I want to be fully ready for when AF comes. Hopefully AF does not take a long vacation holding up my plans as I am ready to get this show on the road, as is Patrick.

Patrick has been truly amazing through out all of this from TTC, to pregnancy, to miscarriage. I knew I married a great man I just never knew just how lucky I was until this week. Thankfully he is behind me 100% on trying again as soon as possible. In fact it was his idea that we don't wait and keep trying. It is definitely a great feeling knowing he and I share this goal of trying to have a baby.

I plan on starting October off in the right foot! No feeling bad for myself and no stress!!!! Although that is easier said then done I know that "a failure to plan is a plan for failure" and I refuse to fail again. With that in mind I am going to make sure that my RE checks my thyroid levels again. I just want to make sure that everything is regulated and on track. I have decided to stay on my prenatal vitamins as it could only help in the end. When all is said and done I want to know in my heart that I have done everything possible to make my next pregnancy stick. I don't want to have any regrets or doubts. And although I know that the next time (if there is a next time) that I see a BFP I will be nervous at least until I make it through the 1st trimester.I will know in my heart that I have done everything in my power.

It feels great having a plan.... Now if only the real AF would get here so I can get this show on the road!

Thank you

I just wanted to say a little thank you for all of you that have been supporting me on my blog. It really helped to come home today to all of your kind words. I really did not know how I was going to feel after the D&C and for the most part all I have been doing is sleeping and crying. But Patrick saw all of your comments pop up in my e-mail and thought it was important for me to see how many people I have who cared enough to leave a comment and let me know they were there for us. For that I am forever grateful! Thank you ladies you have all lifted my spirits. If Anyone needs anything from me even just someone to talk to or vent to, please know that I am here for you all as well. And you can all feel free to e-mail me at any time with anything. (Amy.Rieger@hotmail.com) Thank you again ladies for being there for me on this rough emotional day.

Hugs & Love
Amy

Ultrasound #3 =(

Ultrasound #3 was a complete failure as am I. The baby is slowly shrinking and measures between 6 weeks 1 day and 6 weeks 3 days. (Pictures attached) The sac is also starting to change shape and deteriorate. Poor little bean heart is still slowly ticking away but again is not measurable. And my RE thinks it is time to explore options. So I decided to pull the plug and we scheduled the D&C for tomorrow morning. My RE firmly believes that the fact that the bean is not growing and is slowly deteriorating means it is just a matter of days before the heart stops and nature takes it's course. But a D&C will still be necessary plus she wants to test it and check for genetic abnormality's. So with that being said she had me stop my progesterone yesterday and I woke up this morning to a very light AF borderline spotting. So that just goes to show me that the only thing keeping this baby going is the progesterone. This is the hardest decision I believe I have ever had to make but I know it is for the best. I have done allot of crying and soul searching since yesterday and I still know deep down that I want to and am going to be a mother one day. Patrick and I have decided to that we are going to go for IUI #2 as soon as we are given the all clear. Dr L (my RE) said I have to wait until after I get my first AF post D&C to start back and try again and that is what we fully intend on doing.

2nd ultrasound complete

I went today for ultrasound number 2 today, and this time Patrick was able to come with me. We were able to see the bean and the Dr confirmed it is growing only problem is it did not grow as much as she wanted to see. We were able to see the flicker of a heartbeat. Patrick was actually the one that pointed it out while we were all deeply gazing into the monitor. It was a great sight! But we were unable to count the heart rate. So where does that leave me? Well I have to go back next week for ultrasound number three. My RE wanted to do it in 2 weeks but she knew I could not go two weeks being I was so worried. So for now I am in a 1ww hopefully everything will work out just fine. I am trying not to loose hope. It just seems like a hard task since I am stuck in limbo. Patrick told me that he feels everything will be fine. Since we saw the heartbeat. He feels like that is our reason to hold out hope. So for now I guess I will just pray like I have never prayed before.