I HATE TTC

I really do! Whenever I think things are going my way someone has to smack me back into reality. AF finally came after 41 long days she finally showed yesterday. I was so excited I called and ordered my injections not thinking that anything could go wrong. And sure enough everything always does! I go to see my RE today because tomorrow she is closed for Nevada day. Now understand I love Nevada (well not really but I like it alot) I have lived in this state for 15 years and well this is home. But on Nevada day everything is closed and it always falls on Halloween. Anyway so I am usually suppose to see my RE on CD 3 for my 3 day ultrasound so that I can start injections. But as it is Nevada Day on Friday her office is closed. Fing great! So I call yesterday to schedule my appointment, and no one could get back to me until 7:30 this morning to tell me when I could come in. Fine! But my entire morning was being planned around the arrival of my injections. So I tell the girl I will have to call as soon as my package arrives as the meds need to be refrigerated and if I am not here to sign for it Fed Ex won't leave it. At 11:30 my package arrives, I call my RE's office to schedule when I can come in and I am put on the books for 1:45. So far so good. They do my ultrasound and I get the all clear no cysts yeahhhhh. Then my RE turns to me and says well your going to start BCP on CD 3. WTF... I ask why and she informs me she is going out of town and will not be here to monitor the growth of the follicles. My heart sinks, I dress and go to meet her at the nurses station to pick up my BCP and go over the "IUI flow sheet". Then she drops another bomb on me. She received the rest of my genetic test results and there not good. I blank out and do not hear another word she says to me. It was almost like I was lost in thought. I look at her and say ok like I am listening to every word she says, but in truth I heard nothing. She hands me a prescription for Metanx and tells me to start taking it right away as well as baby aspirin. And that as soon as I get my next BFP she is placing me on daily injections of Lovenox. I stand there in disbelief. Why me, how come I can never catch a break.

So my cycle will now go as follows, since my lining was very thick my RE feels like today is CD 1. On CD 3 I will start BCP and on 11/14/08 I will stop my BCP. On 11/17/18 I go in for a baseline ultrasound and blood test and on CD 3 I will start 150IU of follistim. Return on 11/20/08 for my next ultrasound and blood test and again on 11/24/08. My trigger date and IUI to follow. I just can't believe that after 2 years and 4 month of TTC that I am going on BCP. This feels like the end of the world to me.

Update

So I got a call back from the nurse at my RE's office last night and this is what she told me. The thing about the BCP was a mess up but my RE decided after I left her office that she would rather me move my dose up to 150IU's for 10 days instead of 100IU's for 9 days. I asked her what if I responded to well to it what would happen and she said that they would either move me down a dose or my RE would cancel the cycle. I reminded the nurse that my insurance does not cover the medication and that I was going to be paying close to 2k out of pocket. And that I was in no position to be waisting money on extra follistim or a cycle that ends in getting canceled. She quickly put me on hold and when she returned she told me that my RE is going to leave it up to me I can either have them deliver all 5 cartridges and do the 150 IU's or I could have them deliver 3 cartridges and I would take only the 100IU's. That conversation aggravated the crap out of me. So last night I talked to Patrick about it and he told me to do whatever I wanted to. I just don't know what the heck to do now.
On top of all of that headache lets talk about the amazing disappearing AF. I Started spotting yesterday the cramps were SO bad I thought for sure that it was going to be full force, to the point where I was in the bathroom checking every five minutes. By the end of the night AF had disappeared and I was left with super achy cramps. All night I tossed and turned afraid that she was going to show with a vengeance. I finally fell asleep only to be woken up at 3 a.m. I coughed so hard in my sleep somehow I made myself throw up. I woke up just in time to close my mouth and run to the bathroom. After tossing my cookies I tried to lay back down and fall asleep but that never happened. I just laid there for the rest of the night trying to figure out what to do. I have had some brown spotting off and on but honestly not even enough to even call it spotting. I feel like I'm on my period yet there is no blood. So I called my RE's office again this afternoon to cancel my day 3 ultrasound and informed the nurse that AF has decided not to come after all. This at least buys me some time to figure out what I want to do about the injections. I just don't know what to do I don't want to make the wrong decision.

Stuck on stupid

I wake up this morning and feel the cramps. My immediate reaction is to run to the bathroom and check for AF sure enough I started spotting. I don't believe I had ever been so excited to see AF in my life. I run into the bedroom jump on Patrick and yell ... Bring on the twins! He looks at me like I have two heads and all he can do is laugh. Not 5 minutes later I get a call from Schrafts, that they received my prescription from my RE yesterday and want to know when I need it by. I inform the rep that I need it by Thursday and when she tells me how much I owe my heart about stops. It is double what I was expecting. Holy S&%t is all I could say. I made the rep go over everything my RE has ordered for me and she proceeds to tell me 1 HCG, 2 needles, 1 20 count box of progesterone gel & 5 300IU cartridges of follistim. I quickly stop her in her tracks. What the F do I need 5 300 IU's of follistim for? The month of my BFP I had only been on 900 IU's 75 IU's a day for 12 days this month I was suppose to do 9 days of 100 IU's so again only 900 IU's for the cycle just a higher daily dose. I even watched my RE wright 100 IU's daily for 9 days on her paper work. So what would I possibly need the additional 600 IU's for. Something had to be wrong. So I told the representative that I had to call my RE and call her back just to verify because something was wrong. I call over and leave a message for a nurse or my Dr to call me back. About 30 minutes later I get a call from the nurse who proceeds to tell me that my RE wants me to do 150 IU's daily. I explain that when I was in just yesterday I was told we were only going to do 100 IU's daily. The next thing the nurse said to me caught me so off guard she said will lets put the order on hold since you aren't going to need it for a while anyway. Huh I replied I'm getting my period today what are you talking about. Well you should be starting birth control this week then. I started getting angry what the heck are you talking about I am starting my follistim this week for my IUI. I'm not going on birth control. Are you even looking at the right file? At that point I was told my RE would have to call me back since there is obviously some mess up. How the F can things get so messed up so fast. I'm stuck and now here I sit staring at the phone hoping that someone will get back to me before the end of the day. Someone that hopefully knows whats going on and someone that can steer me in the right direction. All I want are my drugs! Why do I feel like I am constantly being held back. Can nothing ever go the way it is suppose to for me. Uggggghhhhhhhh I give the F up!

I'm A ok =)

So I went to my RE today for the results from all of my blood work. All of the genetic tests came back negative and my thyroid is finally regulated. Yeah!!!! I have a sneaking suspicion that my thyroid was the reason behind my miscarriage, but I'm relieved to know that it is finally back on track. So now I wait for AF. I'm currently on CD33 13DPO I am going to wait until Friday if AF doesn't show by then, I intend on testing. But knowing that the miscarriage will cause AF to be late I am in no rush to see a BFN. If I get a BFN and AF is not here in the next 3 weeks my RE is going to intervene. Although I hate the idea of possibly having to wait that long I'm gonna do as told (not like I have much choice). Ahhhhh I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Things are looking up, finally!

If I can't have my own, I'll take this one!

I took my nephew to a local pumpkin patch today just so I could take some cute pictures of him in his little monkey Halloween costume. Reece loved checking out the pumpkins until we put him down to take some pictures. He hated, I repeat HATED the hay. We got some cute ones though so I thought I would share.

PS- Pictures of my fur baby Molly in her pig costume will be up as soon as I take some =) (I know I'm evil but she is just to cute)

What would you do???

The company that Patrick works for is being bought out by a big fortune 500 company, with over 6 thousand employees. That's great news for us because we were informed that once the deal is complete our insurance will be amazing as will be the employee benefits (sick/vacation days ...etc) Currently an IUI cycle through our current insurance company costs us $180 in co pays for the insemination alone plus an additional 1k for all of the medications. If it were only a one time thing it would not be such a big deal but now that we are going to be trying for our 2nd IUI it's starting to get pricey. Also now that my RE and I have decided on upping my meds as to produce more eggs I know we are looking at an additional $300 minimally. If the insurance through the new company is as good as everyone has been telling us, we could be looking at paying nothing for our medications. So here is my dilemma, today is CD 26 and I am 6 DPO I have a pretty good feeling that this is not going to be our month. With AF's impending arrival I need to make a decision fast. So I need to know what would you do, wait it out for the new insurance or go for it and fork out the $1,500?

Just do me!!!!!!!!!!

So I'm laying in bed last night watching TV when I feel cramps on my left side. Having felt ovulation cramps before I knew what was happening. Patrick was already fast asleep and I knew I had to make a move fast or miss out on this month completely. So I rolled over towards him snuggled into his chest and said .... do me! I know not subtle at all but as I have said before I am a woman on a mission. Patrick opened his eyes and said to me ..... Are you f*%$ kidding me! Not the reaction I was hoping for. I again said come on Patrick just do me and jokingly jumped on him. I guess I must of caught him off guard because he was hysterical laughing at me. When he caught his breath he asked me one last time to wait it out till next month. I looked him square in the face and said No, I can't do that being as honest as possible. I explained that at this point I need something to look forward to and at this point I have nothing. I think he realized that I was getting desperate so he appeased me and did as I asked. Afterwards I started feeling cramps on my right side so I am almost 100% sure that I atleast ovulated from one of my ovaries if not both. If I catch the egg(s) great if not I'm ok with that as well. I just need to trick my mind into a false sense of hope.

I got denied!

I tried to put the moves on Patrick last night and he shot me down. I never thought the day would come where I would throw myself on my husband and he would say ... No! I know he really wants me to wait till our next cycle. He is worried about having enough time for my body to heal. And doesn't really care that our RE said we can go for it. So I guess I will try to put the moves on him afew more times and if that doesn't work then I will just wait for my next IUI. Oh well!

RE Says go for it .... Yeah!

I had my follow up appointment with my RE today and it went really well. Everything from my miscarriage is out. And I have in fact had a period since the D&C. My uterine lining is building back up and I have two good eggs this month. One on my left side measuring in at 22.4 and one on my right side measuring at a 22 so I was told if I wanted to I have the green light to try the old fashion way and see if we get lucky on our own. The funny thing is I thought I ovulated yesterday but I guess I was wrong. Patrick thinks we should still wait it out until the next cycle but I think when he gets home tonight I'm going to jump his bones! I know he is still sick and all but I'm a woman on a mission.

I had a really great 30 minute conversation with Dr L (my RE) and we talked about how we want to proceed for the next IUI cycle. We talked about upping my meds and she agreed that it is a numbers game. So we are going to try for more eggs. I told her I am ok with multiples in fact I welcome it, as I never want to go through this ever again! So with that in mind I am now mentally prepared for AF to show. Unless by some miracle I end up catching one or both of the eggs this month. I like having a plan. It gives me something to look forward to. I have been in and out of this depression lately and I feel that a big reason why I feel this way is because I have nothing to look forward to. While Dr L and I were talking about the next cycle I couldn't help my eyes from tearing up. At one point I was singing don't worry be happy in my head just to stop myself from crying. I am tired of feeling like a mess, and I'm ready for happier days.

I want a newborn not a 27 year old

Patrick has a cold and if you ask him it's the end of the world. Now I know I wanted to have a baby but dealing with a 27 year old baby is a nightmare. Every five second he's whining about how he doesn't feel good. He refuses to blow his nose and has been talking through it for 2 days now. It's the most annoying voice ever that nasally whinny voice. Ughhh I could just smack him! Even worse then that is the snoring... oh the snoring. I try to roll him on the tummy in hopes that it will help that snarfing gurgley noise he's making but no. Nothing helps! And god forbid he asks me to get him something and I say ok honey in one second he says to me in that same nasally annoying voice... ehhhhh you don't love me ... you don't care that I'm sick. Are you Fing kidding me! You would think that he was on his death bed. When did I marry a baby. Why do grown ass men turn into babies when they get something as simple as a cold. If I ever acted like that when I was sick he would never allow it. Ohhhh gotta run the baby wants me to get him some water.

Superwoman

I just heard an amazing song and thought I would share.

"Superwoman"

By Alicia Keys

Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me

I hang my head from sorrow
state of humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am, Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes I'm a Superwoman

For all the mothers fighting
For better days to come
And all my women,
all my women sitting here trying
To come home before the sun

And all my sisters Coming together
Say yes I will Yes I can

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes I'm a Superwoman

When I'm breaking down And I can't be found
And I start to get weak
Cause no one knows Me underneath these clothes
But I can fly We can fly, Oh

Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am Yes she is
Even when I'm a mess I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest Oh yes
I'm a Superwoman, yes you are

Oh yeah, I'm tellin' you
I'm super, so super
I'm super, so super
Yes I am, yes you are
Yes I am, yes you are