When people just don't get it ...

I have been pretty open and honest with my friends and family about the fact the Patrick and I have been trying to have a baby for a good 2 years now. I have tried to keep everyone informed as countless months have passed with no BFP as to avoid the dreaded question ... When are you going to start a family? I figure the best way to avoid that question was to be open and honest about our fertility as I have no shame about it.

Within the time that I have been trying to conceive my sister has gotten pregnant and had a baby, my cousin has gotten pregnant and had a baby, my sister in law has gotten pregnant and had a baby, my step sister (whom I no longer talk to) has gotten pregnant and had a baby, as well as a few friends of mine who are either pregnant now or have recently had there babies. I would like to say that I have become immune to the pain of watching everyone around have babies or just be pregnant, but I haven't. Recently a friend of mine who has three beautiful kids had informed me via e-mail that she was in fact pregnant. My heart sank and I spent 3 days crying and in a depression. I never thought it would hit me so hard but it just took the life out of me. Unfortunately she lost the baby shortly after, and I felt horrible. I knew the feeling of having a miscarriage and I would never want anyone to go through that pain. She called and asked questions about TTC and for that short period of time it felt nice sharing all that I had learned with her. All of a month after her loss she got pregnant again. My immediate reaction was to stop talking to her and distance myself. It was all I could do to keep my composure and try to maintain a stress free environment for myself. Skip to now 3+ months later my sadness has turned to anger and rage. I never want to take away from ones experience but I would expect someone that calls them self your friend to tread lightly on a soar subject. Not this friend. With her constant myspace updates it gets harder and harder to calm the anger that I have flowing through my veins. I try my hardest to avoid the updates but it just seems like every time I see ____ has updater her profile I am drawn to check it. It's like I am gluten for punishment.

The worst part of all this is I still can't pinpoint what made me so bitter towards her. It's like something just snapped in my head one day and I said I've had enough! It's horrible because I have maintained my composure through out these past 2 years of numerous highs and lows and suddenly I have had enough! It's just strange that something could set you off so fast.

The downside of becoming so bitter is that you withdraw from normal life. I am very hesitant to pick up the phone for most of my girlfriends in fear of a pregnancy announcement. I make my husband pre read e-mails from friends and family that I think might be sending me pregnancy announcements. It is all and all very sad what I have become. I'm a pregnancy hater! But only towards people that have had it easy.

My friends on ivillage that have been trying for awhile could tell me they were pregnant with multiples and I would feel nothing but joy for them. Because I know how hard it is to get that much desired BFP. The downside to having mostly online friends is that they are online. Although I love and appreciate each and every one of them, it makes for pretty boring weekends.

Update: The "friend" that I wrote this blog about decided to delete me from her myspace for reasons unknown. Although I feel bad I must admit not seeing those constant updates makes me feel 1 million times better. I hate to loose a friend but from what I see and feel now she was never really a friend. With that being said good by _____ and good luck! Although I wish you no harm I am happy to see you go.