Pity Party

The day before yesterday I got loan doc's on one of the loans I had been working on, only problem was that my client was not able to sign until last night and the doc's needed to be back at title first thing this morning. Now that would not have been a big deal except the title company I had used for this transaction was in Los Angeles CA. So I did what I had to do to get my deal done. I woke up bright and early at 4 in the morning got showered and dressed and headed off to the airport. When I arrived, there were a ton of people with there babies waiting in the United line. My first reaction was to look at Patrick who was dropping me off and say Oh Sh%#. Patrick shook his head at me and tried to give me a pep talk. You can do it babe! He said as he got out of the car to give me a kiss goodbye. I just looked at him with a blank expression as my eyes started to tear up. Today is going to be a long day I said back to him as I walked in to the chaotic mess of tourist and family's with there babies everywhere. I approached my gate and since I had 20 minutes to spare before boarding I decided to go buy some magazines. Sure enough as I walk into the book store I notice the cashier is pregnant and from the looks of it due and minute. I walk over and grab the first two magazines I see. Pay for them and go back to the gate to wait till I can board the flight. Finally they start boarding the flight I and take my seat. Thankfully it is a dead flight and I have the entire row to myself. We take off and as soon as I can take my seat belt off I do so and kick up my legs to relax. I catch a quick nap and in no time we are landing at LAX. I rush off my flight to meet a friend who is going to run my loan doc's over to the title office for me so I can catch the next flight home. I come up the escalator from baggage claim and sure enough there is a ridiculous line to get through security. No problem, I have magazines! So I crack open my In Touch Weekly and start turning the pages. The first article I come to ... Kids Rule! All about celebrities and there babies. I quickly turn the page. Thinking that there is only so much that one magazine could talk about pregnancies I continue to flip the pages. Meet the cuties kids in LA one page reads. I have had enough! I toss the magazine in the trash and decide not to even look at the other magazine. I get through security and realize I have 3 hours until my flight out so I walk to a food place to have breakfast. As I am walking I hear the beeping of one of those airport carts alarming you to get out of the way or get run over. As the cart passes me I see three women, I think nothing of it and continue my walk. The cart stops at the gate in front of me and the three women get off. That's when I see that all three ladies are wearing infant carriers and carrying little babies. My heart begins to thump and my eye's begin to well up. I am never going to have that. I quickly duck into the bathroom to regain my composure. I allow myself some time to cry and be sad and I try to regain enough strength to get my butt out of the bathroom but it does not work. All I can do is cry. At this point I have to call Patrick because I am scared to leave the bathroom and just need to vent. (I know that my response to seeing all of these babies is not healthy and that locking myself in a bathroom stall at LAX is not going to make me feel any better. I think I am just having a hard time confronting that my baby is gone and I will never get to hold it or see it. And seeing all of these babies only reminds me of that.) I get Patrick on the phone and tell him what is going on. At this point one can only assume other people in the bathroom were thinking I am crazy but oh well. Patrick stays on the phone with me and attempts to get my mind off of all of these babies that I see. He convinces me to leave the stall and the bathroom and make a b-line right to the first bar that I see. Since he knew there would never be a baby in a bar. I do so the entire time looking at the ground only looking up to find the nearest bar. At this point it is 9 a.m. my eyes are puffy from crying and I am sitting in a bar to avoid kids. What has my life come to I ask. Patrick replies it's gotta get worse before it gets better and you have to stop letting everything get you down. I weep because I know he is right but I am just so damb sad. He tells me he loves me and that I need to just get home and focus on everything that is going right for us. I hang up the phone and walk to my gate. I later boarded the flight and come home to be greeted at the airport by the most wonderful man I have ever know. He always knows what to say and how to say it, to cheer me up.

I never thought I was going to be this depressed. I am to the point where I feel guilty when I smile. I try not to think about the baby and when more then an hour has gone by that I haven't I feel like a bad person. When will it stop hurting? And when will everything go back to normal? I just don't know how much more of this I can take!