Diarrhea of the mouth, the annoying apology and fertile myrtle

My day started off fine. Patrick woke me up on the only day I get to sleep in (Sunday) bright and early at 9 a.m. I was not the happiest of campers but I'll get over it. He quickly rushed me in the shower so that we could go to a local bar to watch the 49ers game, since it wasn't playing on local cable. I did as asked and got ready and we headed off to the bar. The day started off alright and I had high hopes that it was going to be a good day. We ended up hanging out at this bar from 10 a.m. until almost 4 p.m. while we were there we ate lunch and played video games. Not my ideal for a Sunday afternoon but Patrick loves football and I know that every once in a while I have to do something he enjoys. After lunch I turned to Patrick and told him I wanted something sweet. Patrick looked at me and said babe your not pregnant any more whats with the cravings. I instantly burst into tears. I could not believe the diarrhea that just came flowing out of my husbands mouth. Right away he started apologizing realizing what he had said to me. And I could see in his face he felt horrible. But it didn't change the fact that the stupid little comment he made to me was like a bullet to the heart. After all of the nice things he has done and said to me over the past week and a half it just blew me away that something so hurtful came out of his mouth. He hugged me and again kept telling me how sorry he was. And that he did not mean to hurt me. I asked how he could say something so hurtful and he insisted that he just want not thinking. I accepted his apology and after that we went home to get ready to go to my sisters for a BBQ.

Going to my sisters would normally be no big deal, but being I knew I was going to be around my 6 month old nephew and a friends 2 month old baby was weighing heavy on my heart. Even more so after the drama with Patrick. Thinking I could make it thought the night we decided to go and make the best of the remainder of the day. We arrived and Patrick immediately swooped up my nephew. Watching him hold Reece all I could think is, am I ever going to see him hold our baby. He looks so natural holding him and playing with him and I want to give him a baby so badly. I just had to walk away looking at him with Reece just pains me. I go into the kitchen to help my sister, since she is on the phone and I want to find ways to keep myself busy and stop myself from thinking. It's my cousin Laurie on the phone and she was insisting on talking to me. I take the phone knowing what she is about to say and I hesitantly say hello. Ohhhhh Amy I am soooo sorry you lost the baby. (I feel my heart in my throat.) and reply thank you, hoping that she is done. But she is not and she quickly replies what went wrong? So I tell her sometimes things just don't work out and I guess this was one of those situations. (Not wanting to go into detail). I find an excuse to get off the phone and we say our goodbye's. As I hang up the phone I can feel the tears building up in my eyes. I exit the kitchen and make a B line towards my sisters bedroom. Where I hide out for a good 15 minutes.

I later get a call from one of my clients in Atlanta wanting to know when her loan doc's are going to be in. The conversation starts out fine ... how are you .... where are we at with the loan and then it takes a quick turn for the worst. Can you fly to me for the signing because I just found out I'm pregnant with #4 and can't travel. I say congratulations and try to move on from the conversation but she keeps talking about how she told her husband she hopes it is a boy because she is done being fertile myrtle. And how her husband thinks it is funny that all of the women in her family are so fertile they all got pregnant at the drop of a hat. And how most of her siblings have at least 6 kids. I again try to change the subject and get off the phone but this woman will not get the hint. By this point I am shaking with anger. I finally tell my client I have to go and hang up on her. This conversation would have been hurtful regardless but it is even more hurtful since my client knows I just had a miscarriage. How can people be so insensitive. I am almost to the point of locking myself in my house and only corresponding with people via e-mail. It seems like that is the only way I am ever going to avoid painful conversations.

I feel like I am starting to loose it. People are so hurtful with there comments whether they be intentional or unintentional. And all of the questions hurt! I know people are just asking and giving there condolences because they care but it just hurts. I wish people would stop asking me if I were ok, because I'm not! And I don't know if I will ever be. Asking me and bringing it up all the time just hurts. I know I will never forget but it just makes it ten times harder to move on when everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok and telling me how sorry they are. Don't tell me you know how I feel unless you have ever gone through this! Don't tell me it will be ok because it won't! And don't tell me I will get pregnant again because it might not! And I have to deal with that. I am sick of everyone sugar coating it, it only makes it harder. Tell me the truth. If you have gone through this kind of loss tell me the truth don't tell me it will be ok when you know it won't. It doesn't feel like life goes on. It feel like I am stuck in a nightmare and can't wake up.