Blah

I'm sorry for the disappearance. I have been feeling pretty lost and overwhelmed lately and well I just shut down. I keep having this reoccurring dream that that baby A is still with us. And every morning I wake up and realize it's gone I go through that feeling of loss all over again. I have been focusing so much on the loss I forget that there's another one in there, and then I feel like I am neglecting baby B. My hormones have put me all over the map, and all I wanna do is sleep. Eating makes me throw up and not eating makes me dizzy and nauseated. I just can't win right now! I feel like I am going to explode at any moment, and just the smallest comments make my head spin. I avoid the phone like the plague and have almost completely secluded myself from the outside. I never imagined it would hurt this bad. The sadness has trumped any joy that I should be feeling right now. Even just sitting here now and writing this is hard. Am I going to be like this for the next 6 1/2 months? Or will this get any easier?

Good News / Bad News

Lets start with the good news first. Baby B is developing wonderfully. Measuring 8 weeks 5 days, with a heartbeat of 178 bpm. He/She is even started to look alittle like a baby in the ultrasound and was moving all over the place like a wild child. It was definitely a sight to see. Now for the bad news. Baby A measured in at 7 weeks 4 days with no heartbeat. From the looks of it baby A stopped developing about a week ago. It's such a strange feeling to be happy and sad at the same time. I wanted them both so badly, and I feel like I tried everything in my power to help baby A's yolk sac grow. I wish there were something more I could have done.

Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts. Your support means the world to me.

baby A (my little Angel)

Baby B

Baby B (Baby A is off the the right)

Baby B (Baby A is off the the right)

Baby B (Baby A is off the the right)

Baby B's Heartbeat

Baby B Floating around

Mexican food = my crying in pain

Tonight I went out to eat with my mom while Patrick and my stepfather bowled in there league. Mexican sounded like a good idea up until the point where my tummy was hurting so bad from gas pains I thought I was gonna die. I couldn't sit, I couldn't stand it was horrible! The pain finally got so bad I ended up vomiting and crying like a baby because it was so miserable. Even now that the pain has subsided I'm still crying from just the fear of hurting that bad. I never want to feel like that again. So I guess Mexican is out of the question for the next 8 months.

Feed me ...

All of a sudden over the past two days I have been eating like a pig. Not that I'm eating bad but Patrick was laughing at me today because every time he turned around I was in the fridge pulling something out. I know I'm eating more then my normal, since before I was pregnant I was lucky if I ate one meal a day. I'm trying to take care of the beans but Patrick makes me feel like I'm overdoing it. Here is what I ate today: an orange, afew crackers, apple sauce (the small lunch snack cups), 2 pickles and pasta for dinner. Does that seem like to much to anyone else??? I know he thinks he's joking around but he's making me very self conscious.

Google my life away

I have spent the last couple of days googling small yolk sac and small gestational sac for story's of people that have gone through this as well as ideas for what might help little A's yolk sac grow. What I have come up with ... A whole bunch of nothing! One web page said to drink 4 gallons of water and that could possibly help hydrate little A. Now I'm no Dr but I think 4 gallons of water would make you sick and possibly kill you. So what I have decided to do is up my intake of water but not excessively. Now here is my dilemma. In reading I have discovered that there is also a such thing as to big of a yolk sac. If over hydrating can possibly help little A, can't it also harm little B? I don't know what to do. I don't want to risk loosing both. Am I being greedy for wanting them both to stick? Or should I just leave it at whatever happens happens. People keep telling me that I will be lucky as long as I end up with one. But knowing they are both in there right now, I want them both! I feel like I'm asking for to much.

Like 2 peas in a pod

There are two beautiful little beans with two beautiful little heartbeats. Baby A measures 6 weeks and 5 days with a heartbeat of 125bpm and Baby B measures 6weeks 1 day with a heartbeat of 125bpm.

Now for the bad news. Baby A's yolk sac is small. The Dr is not to worried about it right now but wanted me to be aware that it could cause a problem and we could possibly loose it. For now I am going to pray until it hurts that baby A's yolk sac grown before our next ultrasound on Feb 16th.

Baby A

Baby B

Baby A & B together =)